Open Sorcery: So, You Wanna Grow a Mo?

I grew a moustache. I know some people spell it mustache, but I’ve always had the O in there which is apparently how everyone but the Americans spell it. Oh well.

Short form is I started growing it in earnest in May-abouts, did some test runs over the summer, and gave it a full debut on Friday of last week, wore it for Halloween, then shaved it off. Here’s what I learned from that little experiment.

Firstly, if you are even considering a moustache or facial hair in general, I commend you. Facial hair is one of the two privileges still left to men (the other being getting to go down with the sinking ship… not as fun). Facial hair, then, is a great expression of manliness– bearded ladies notwithstanding. Having facial hair will forever transform your look, and what’s also fun is if you decide to remove it (as I just did) that also will shake up the establishment very nicely.

I’d had goatees over the years but for some reason in May (probably laziness) I didn’t trim it at all. Eventually I fooled myself into thinking it was a strategy and I wanted to see how long I could get my beard. As with the best laid plans, I decided a long beard looked very silly. I noticed that the edges of my moustache part of the goatee were starting to grow down towards my beard. I’m one of those without a lot of active follicles for the clean vertical sides of the goatee, so I though growing the ends of the moustache to help fill in would look ok. This I kept going for a few weeks until it started getting too long over the lip. At this point I needed to decidedly trim back or otherwise maintain the moustache. I was then inspired by a video I ran into of the Handlebar Moustache Club of the UK. I wasn’t sure if pulling out the moustache would work, but while I had the goatee on, I could kinda test both out and that’s how I decided to do it. Sometime in July I decided to give it a full go and grow it out for Halloween — how much fun would a real moustache be in a costume. Incidentally, I was Super Mario one Halloween and I had a fake spirit-gum moustache and at the party I went to someone decided to check if it was real and ended up pulling it off my face. Boo. Not this year!

The key thing to remember when growing a moustache is that it takes a while. It starts as a bit of stubble (laziness, right?) and maybe if you’re lucky it will develop quickly enough that you can just look kinda gruff for a few days. I recommend not shaving any facial hair while it’s coming in. When you shave to just the moustache it’s a really big statement. Who knows, maybe more of a beard is your style, why not let it flourish a little before you decide. For me, I can have a rather serviceable goatee in about three weeks, but that third week before I clean it up, I look awful. I look like I just rolled out of bed to come into work, which might be the case many times, but it’s no fun. If you must have a mostly cleanshaven appearance for work (or your spouse?) try to shave it a bit bigger than you want it, so you’ll have room to trim to the final size.

Get a small, fine comb. Better yet, get some wax that comes with said comb. I got mine from here (http://www.hndlebarsmoustachewax.com/) and I’ve heard good things of the brand Pinaud-Clubman which is available in drugstores in the shaving aisle. A comb will help keep things orderly as it grows out. The other thing you need the comb for is to help distribute the wax.

Wait, I said wax twice without explaining that part. OK, pretty much every moustache that is in any way styled has some wax involved. Unless you’re going for a shoepolish brush look or something so trimmed it’s impossible to go in any other direction wax is wonderful. The thing I used it most for was smoothing the ends of my moustache downwards to blend it into the goatee. I was growing a handlebar moustache, and for that to look right, the hairs are grown long and are swept from the middle so they appear to grow left and right. The wax makes it so it defies gravity (i.e. down) and keeps it together to form the signature stylish points. To get a moustache to handlebar properly it really needs to be so long it starts to get in the way when having soup, so some wax to keep it out of ones mouth is best.

I had worn the goatee with the moustache waxed for fun a couple times in July and August, sometimes even in public. It does kinda look pirate in that fashion, and I didn’t do it too much. It looked silly… which should have been an indication to me, but I pressed on. The usual method for wearing my facial hair was to comb the moustache away from the center but instead of forming points, just smooth it around my mouth into the rest of the goatee. It definitely looked the fullest and nicest I’d ever had facial hair, but it presented a couple problems. If I got it out of place I needed to have some wax on me to fix it, or else I’d be continually stroking it back into position and out of the way of my lips. Of course, continually stroking one’s facial hair is how many men look distinguished. I felt a mix of the cool and the dopey.

The nice thing about facial hair is as it grows in it does take a long time. It’s so gradual it isn’t really noticed except when very decided trims are made or major changes. It makes me appreciate how continual small changes can accumulate into a big change over time! Lose weight, learn a language, grow a moustache.

Halloween was a Sunday but I decided to wear a bit of a costume to work on Friday. Plus that meant I had a couple days to have the moustache for real without the goatee. Wow. It looked really good. It was definitely a statement to shave off the rest and make it stand out. It made me look even more different. There were jokes when I first grew my goatee of the “evil mirror-universe Alan” (ala Star Trek) and that was something, but this was insane. I can appreciate that many people have the personality to pull it off, and I think I probably have enough, but being the moustache guy wasn’t something I had fully grasped, I guess.

And thus it came off. It took about six months to build and about 2 minutes to remove. It’s been two days and I still am getting weird looks at work. Heck, I’m getting weird looks at home from Julie! Somewhat accidentally I pulled an anti-Movember, so I’m looking to sponsor someone growing their mo out to raise money for research for prostate cancer. Finally, I leave you with some words on facial hair posted today by a ninja.